If You Give Mama A Milk Spill

If you give mama a milk spill, she will see the milk under the fridge. To clean the milk under the fridge, she will need a rag. She will move the fridge over to find a bigger spill of milk, from another day perhaps? Today, she hopes.

After collecting all the dusty toys and cobwebs, she will scrub the floor clean.

To move the fridge back, she will have to move everything off of the top. While she is doing that,  she will decide to move the microwave. To move the microwave, she will need to reorganize some cupboards. Once that is done, she will surely need to wash the hallway walls and scrub off the outside of the fridge. She will also need to clean out the inside of the fridge and freezer, to be fair.

Then she will decide to wipe down more cabinets, scrub the counter tops and dust.

Now there is dust on the floor, so she will surely need to vacuum and mop the kitchen floors. While she's at it, she goes ahead and vacuums all the downstairs floors.

The vacuum the porch, she must first pick up the toys and shoes scattered about.

To vacuum the great room floors, she must confiscate the five pound bag of Hershey's kisses her son snatched from the freezer and pick up ten little foil wrappers scattered about.

While vacuuming the bathroom she notices the toilet and sink could use a cleaning, so she does that "quick".

If you give mama a milk spill, she will spend almost three hours cleaning. 

And finish, just in time to make lunch. ;)

I Wish They Hadn't Told Me

There is a blog post floating around titled "They Should Have Warned Me", about how much more amazing motherhood was then she could have imagined, that kind of thing. As soon as I read it I just felt guilt. I didn't immediately pinpoint why, but the article just made me sad.

I have had this post swirling, tumbling, working its way around my head for several weeks. It is a kind of response, based on my experience as a mother now for two years, one month, and twelve days. It will not be easy to write, tears swell before I even begin. Deep breath.

I wish they hadn't told me...

That I would bond with my baby as soon as he was born.

The moment my son was handed to me, all fresh and warm and so much heavier then I expected, I looked into his dark little eyes, and I loved him. Yes, I loved him. But it wasn't the rush of emotion. The crushing, amazing, new love I had expected and been told about. It wasn't at all like I thought it would be. 

Of course I loved him, I had already been his mama for over nine months. Felt his kicks and stretches and hiccups. But I didn't feel like I couldn't live without him, I mostly just felt overwhelmed and exhausted. Many times during the first four months of both my son and daughters lives I have felt distinct dislike for them, and the accompanying crushing guilt. 

I wish I had given myself more grace. I wish I had realized that I won't always like my baby.  I wish I had realized that some mothers (or maybe it's just me) don't bond instantly with their babies, and sometimes it takes time. And that's okay.

That nursing would be easy.

Nursing is not easy, ya'll. It's.not.easy. Maybe for some people. But I am definitely not those people. Nursing was hard, miserable, painful. So many tears and begging to not have to do it anymore. After Ezra I had several recovery issues, some caused my nursing issues, some not. I pushed through until a year with him, finding out halfway through a lot of our issues were caused by my own anatomy and tongue and lip ties. It never stopped hurting but I did it.

With Nora I had only had a break of about ten months from nursing, and when it started out worse then with Ezra I wanted to give up immediately. We made it seven weeks. Then I did give up. I just couldn't. Nora hated it and wasn't gaining weight, I was losing my supply and I hated it.

I wish I had known that nursing is not the be all end all of bonding with my baby. I actually think it hindered my bonding with both babies. I resented the pain, I resented them wanting to eat. I know that sounds horrible, I know it is horrible. It's just honesty. I love my babies, but for real. Having those little piranhas on me was so awful sometimes. There was beautiful moments of looking down and seeing them peacefully suckling, and I'm glad I have those moments.

But I am not one of those moms that I has an easy time nursing and I don't really enjoy it. And that's okay.

To sleep when the baby sleeps and I'll be okay.

Nope. Not really. I have never been so exhausted in my whole life as after Ezra was born. It does get better, but I was so tired I would just cry and cry. I wish I had leaned more on Christ for strength, and not just wallowed in my misery. I wish I had accepted more help and humbled myself.

I wish I had not pushed myself to take on more then I should have. I wish I had just said no and stayed in my pajamas. 

Sometimes babies don't sleep, and you just have to try and survive. And that's all you can manage in that moment. And that's okay. 

That I could never imagine life without my kids.

I still miss my "freedom". A lot. More then I should. But let's be real. This mom stuff is hard. Really darn hard. And sometimes you just want coffee dates, reading in peace, and travelling without packing all the stuff. I can imagine life without my kids, it sounds pretty nice some days.

I used to feel really guilty and it and try to force myself to stop wishing for it. I wish I had just given myself space to grieve over what I had "lost" and accept that some days I will still miss it. Two years into this mama thing and I can honestly say I could never imagine life without my kids. But that didn't come easily. And that's okay.

God never gives us more then we can handle.

God gives us more then we think we can handle. Every day. If we felt like we could handle it, why would we need Him?

 Every single day I need Him. And a lot of the time it just feels like it's all too much. And it is. For me. I can't handle it all on my own. I need Him every second of every day. I still fall flat on my face. A lot. Thank God for grace, grace from Him, grace from my sweet husband, grace from my beautiful children.

I wish I hadn't gone into motherhood with the expectations that I would bond with my babies instantly, that feeding them would be as natural as it seems. That I wouldn't have some hard days and some easy days, but that every day would be hard in it's own way. That I wouldn't always be tired, but that eventually I would just be less tired. That I wouldn't miss pre-mama days. Because I do. That I could handle it on my own. Because I just CAN'T. 

Sometimes motherhood is messy. Sometimes the house is wreck and dinner isn't even started when your husband walks in the door. Sometimes your son walks around in too small pajama pants and a dirty, baggy sweatshirt smeared with breakfast half the day while you play catch up from a week of exhaustion. Sometimes your daughter has to fuss in her bouncer while you take a sanity break. Sometimes you just need a day off of expectations to be a happy, cheerful, mama who adores her children every second. And that's okay. 

I love my kids, I will never not love them. And that's what matters.

Ezra John: 11 months

I can't believe next month will be a birthday post! How did that go so fast?! Ezra is growing so much every day, and it's so fun watching him learn and explore his world, and watch his personality emerge. He is such a fun, happy little guy.

This months big accomplishment was finally learning to crawl! He has been semi mobile for a while, but just couldn't quite get the moving forward on hands and knees bit. This new discovery has him cruising around from room to room and following us around like an adorable little chubby puppy. :)

                                                   

Ezra loves food, his very favorite is super rice, a family recipe which is basically a rice and chicken stew. He also like his breakfast oatmeal and finger foods such as veggie puffs, cheerios, and bits of veggies and fruits.

Who knew water in a bowl could be this much fun? :)

He's about the same size as last month. We've been fighting off a couple different colds and he is just getting over a nasty cough, but is thankfully back to sleeping 10+ hours a night and 3-6 hours a day. He likes to sleep, and I love the breaks. ;)

Such a goof! He can always make me smile. :)

We were able to get up north to visit my parents a couple times last month, and we enjoyed wonderful Thanksgiving dinners from both sides of the family, as well as lots of visiting. Ezra isn't a fan of the loud games we like to play, so Jacob, being the great dad he is, spent a lot of time soothing him so I could visit.

Wagner family, 2013 

Ezra John: 10 months

  Ezra is a busy little guy this month! Not quite crawling properly yet, but he sure gets around! Using a combination  of scooting and cruising on his belly, he gets around and into things pretty quickly!
It is so fun to watch his personality emerge, he is such a fun curious boy! He loves anything he can touch and poke, textures are fascinating. Anything with buttons provides hours of entertainment. We've given him an old phone as a car toy and he will sit and chatter to himself and poke the buttons for a good while.

   Tipping the scales at 25 lbs, 30.5 inches, he's obviously not wasting away. ;) We love his chubbiness and round cheeks! His favorite foods lately are Cheerios, soups and hotdishes, and rice rusks. He still eats his veggie purees as long as I don't mix anything in. He gets a lot of finger foods and he loves pears and other soft fruits.

  Another exciting happening of this month was our first snow! I am not a snow lover by any means, but it was a lot more fun having a child to play in it with! :) We had a great time tromping around and getting all wet and cold!

Ezra's 10 months lands on my birthday. :) So blessed to be his mama!

 

  We have been able to make a couple trips up north to visit my parents this month, and are planning to up again as a family for Thanksgiving. Ezra loves visiting with everyone up there, and it was great to see my sister Sarah and my little niece Eleanor again.

Laughing and laughing!

Visiting with uncles Josiah, Samuel, and Abram and aunt Ellie.

Earrrllyyy morning. yawn.

Play time with Grandpa Paul and cousin Eleanor!

 

Craft Room Organization

My craft area was in desperate need of an overhaul. Like, bad. Yikes.
Each time I went to start or finish a project or even find a pair of scissors it was mass chaos digging through the piles.

 

Target had the bookshelf on sale for $18, and I grabbed some fabric bins and jars at the dollar store.

 

The metal silverware lazy susan I found at JoAnn's on clearance, and it works excellently for holding pens, ribbon, and scissors.

Love these little "candy" jars. I used them to sort my ribbon scraps and buttons.

I moved all my paint up higher and out of the reach of children, added the second bar on the ribbon organizer, and hung these little Target dollar bin cans full of misc items.

 

These things have never had a home and are constantly being tossed around the table. I finally came up with a good storage solution. This way I'll always know where they are. Excellent.

Old Barn Window? Picture Frame. :)

I picked this up at a yard sale for a couple of dollars. I am always on the lookout for these, I love the look and what you can do with them!
This was the second barn window I have redone, I also did one with our wedding pictures for the mantel in the great room.

This project was super simple, and cost less then $20! I ordered four 8 x 10's from WalMart, which were about $10, grabbed a thick poster board for $1.50, and that and some duct and double stick tape were all I needed.

 

Before. The backing was just this poster sized picture that was taped on, so I removed that.

 

Since it had no backing I added this poster board, cut down a bit, and duct taped it on. So professional. ;)

Once that was done I attached the pictures to the inside of the poster board. I also added some claw hangers on the back since I had removed the flimsy wire from the top that it used to hang from. I didn't trust it. :P

 

Here it is in Ezra's new room! :) I <3 it!

Don't Throw Out that Wipes Container!

"Wipes" Pull-Out Activity Toy

Ezra loves to pull tissues or wipes out of the box, he gets so happy and excited its hard for me to take them away before he wastes them all!

I had just emptied a wipes container, and since I always have tons of fabric scraps, I thought why not, let's see if this will work. :)